How we are in a relationship.

When I was 10, I believe love is a big word, love is life, love brings miracles, love connects people, love is the most important thing in a relationship.

When I 20, which means 10 years later, love is the smallest element in a relationship, love is an useless thing. Love, is just like any other four-letters-word.

Love may sounds great in the beginning, in every relationship. But time goes by as you grow up little by little, your life changes, society’s perspectives change, and you realize to be an adult, you will need more than love, and free will. When you realize love isn’t the only that can connects people, money does, sympathy does, a lot of others thing do, and they are even more important than love.

Finance, healthy mental, freedom, are more important than love in a relationship, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, family, your groups, your co-workers, and your significant other. Remember how innocent and excited you are when you were just a little kid being protected under the roof? How sweet and hopeful you were with your first love? At that time, you don’t have to think of anything else but love, you don’t have to worry about your financial status, to be with your love ones makes your mental always healthy, you thought it was the best thing ever happened to you. Then you grow up, you finally reached your 20s, when you realized your life isn’t that simple anymore… Of course during teenage years, you still have pressures regarding your study, your social relationships with your friends and classmates, but not about finance, not the complicated thinking you have now.

I’m 20, and after few times had my heart broken, I started an independent life abroad far away from my parents, I fell in love with another person, that’s when I realize more and more about how harsh I and this life have changed. I and my boyfriend, we cannot live with each other and feel happy with just our love, I realized when we have spare financial sources, we feel much happier, and then, we feel more tolerant as well as loving towards each others, everything can be solved when you have money, and we will have time loving each others, also studying at the same time. If we feel free to do what we want to, but still have times and money, we love each others more and more. The sad part is, it’s not that our love isn’t strong enough, but with the current situation, we need finance, freedom in order to have healthy mental as a condition to grow our love stronger.

See that, we used to love each other fiercely, passionately, freely but then there will come one day, when you realize you are running out of patience, you need more money and health and time and tons of thing to pay attention and care about your love one. When hard time comes and your mental getting weak, you run out of patience towards your significant other, you stop trying, and that’s how your love ends. You have to choose between your social responsibility, and the time to do what you want to, including spend time with your love. You always work hard to get a position in this world, and have you ever paused for a while to think again how many people you have lost during your trip to glory? Are they worth trading in this illusions? Are you really love what you are doing or you just put up with it so long that you got use to it? I don’t know, to be free and unfree at the same time is the hardest thing ever… 

Back to my relationship’ struggle in the moment. There comes a time in every relationship, when something collapses and changes – the crisis. Some couples managed to overcome it, some failed at achieve it together. Here comes our challenge, such perfect condition for this challenge, we are both tired, both having bad financial situation, which mine is worse, and I’m a short-tempered person, and his patience for me is running out.

“Breaking up is not just the moment of departure when we say this is my road and this is your road, they will never meet again, but a continuous process that lasts between the day we realize we are hurt and the day we can let go of that wound.”

Especially when we have spent such great times as well as huge amount of times together. We once in a while can see inside each others’ bones.

“Maybe we are afraid to speak the definitive words of breakup because we are afraid we will not be able to reach the same level of intimacy with someone else. We are afraid of our bare naked souls and secretly doubt if we are worth loving.”

While what I wanted to do is to grab all my clothes and stuffs and get out of his house running, never looking back, a part of me still want to hold on, to this sometimes-not-very-healthy-relationship. These days just passed by and I keep questioning myself about my decisions and choices that I have made.

How to be at peace with the life I wish I lived, but never did?!

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