So last night, I just experienced an anxiety attack. Crazy, terrible, that’s all I can think of. Few weeks ago, when I heard one of my friends in seminar class suffered anxiety attacks, I laughed, and to me, it’s non-sense. I mean, I thought it won’t be too serious, how stressful can you be, and I don’t even know what’s like, to have an anxiety attack.
But I was wrong. Let me tell you what happened.
Last night, I was working on my thesis, then suddenly, my hands and feet started sweating and cold; my guts also feel nervous and insecure. I took a break and googled, the results showed that I may have anxiety disorder, which I ignored. Until my heart started pounding, my breathe became short and rush, then I started crying, tears keep coming, my body started shaking. Now that I started to be panic. I didn’t know what was happening to me, all I can do was go to bed and hold tight to it. The peak reached after 10 minutes or so, I was so scared that I couldn’t even touch my phone or call my roommate. When I started to fall off the bed, I tried my best and texted my friend who lives nearby for help (let’s call him N, then). After describing what was happening, he told me to calm down while waiting for him to come over, with another friend of ours.
When the peak seemed to end, I texted my ex and Takuya, Takuya called immediately. Right at the moment I heard his voice, I started crying harder, but he calmed me down, he said: “Ok ok, take it easy, breathe” and he breathed at the same speed with me, “there, now calm down, I know you’re tired, you’ve tried so hard, so it’s ok to be tired, but you’re gonna be ok, everything is gonna be ok”. And then my friends came.
One of them helped me with my sweats, the other kept patting on my back, saying everything is ok, while I was still, crying like a baby and hid under the blanket. They waited until I fell asleep to go home.
This morning, I woke up with headache, tiring body, swollen eyelids. I texted Tracy telling her what happened and she told me to take a day-off from my part-time job, for my own goods. After that, N texted me asking if I woke up and how was I, and he told me to go to campus’s clinic. He went there with me and helped me book a counselling session on this Thursday. Then I went home, watching The Riverdale all day. Throughout the day, I tried to eat but it seems my digestive system hasn’t recovered yet, my stomach acts up, and it makes me rush to toilet immediately after I finish a meal. My heart still pounding af, and my face still, the same expression, resting-bitch-face.
At the evening, N texted me again to check up on me and gave me some advices on how to treat my stomach and my mind properly, Tracy also keeps texting to make sure I have someone to talk to, later, I asked Logan to grab me some healthy stuffs to eat and he did.
If is there anything blessed after this, is that I have some really considerate and kind friends that I can ask for help any time, even if it’s midnight or early in the morning. I haven’t talked to mom about this, because it’s hard to describe what’s an “anxiety attack” in Vietnamese haha.
I want to type more, about how I keep repress and control my emotions too much, how stressful I am the past few months, how my sleeping habit messed up, etc. I know all of them are the cause of last night’s anxiety attack.
But it also makes me realise that maybe it’s time I have to let something, someone, go, out of my life, at least for now, because it’s unhealthy for me, because they don’t deserve me, because I want to heal, to live in peace, as a whole, again.